Change, transition, and why it’s hard
Transition is everywhere – all around us. But what is transition? I find it helpful to contrast change and transition. They are related, but different.
Change is an event.
Transition is a process.
Change is an event. It is the moment in time when I go from this to that, here to there. It is when I leave, when my friend leaves me, when I start at a new school or new job, move into a new home. Transition is the process of anticipating and integrating that change.
As I wrote in Misunderstood:
“Change is physical – a new location, a person who is physically absent. Transition is the process of handling the emotional fallout of physical changes.”
Change
Change is concrete. We can see it happen. We know what it is. But we still often underestimate the full impact of a change. One change is usually made up of a series of smaller changes. Perhaps hundreds of changes! And a big change, like moving locations, has multiple changes involved, each of which is made up of smaller changes.
For example, if I move to a new country, I experience a series of changes:
A new house
A new school/workplace
A new culture, and possibly a new language
A new environment
A new set of friends/acquaintances
A new way of living life
But each of these big changes is made up of a lot of smaller changes. For example, I often ask students to list the changes that are part of starting at a new school. They include:
How to get there – walk? ride a bike? bus? parent drop off?
What to wear – is there a uniform? what type?
What to eat – is lunch provided? do I bring my own?
Friends – the people you spend your whole day with
Environment – where do I play/hang out?
School layout – no longer familiar
Teaching style
Behaviour expectations
Language may be different, even it’s a different dialect of the same language (UK English vs American English, Argentine Spanish vs Colombian Spanish, etc.)
When I start at a new school, I am not experiencing one change – I am processing many different pieces of the new situation which are different. The same goes for a new house, a new neighbourhood, a new job, a new relationship – a new anything, really!
Transition
Transition is the process of adapting to change. A period of transition begins as soon as I know a change is coming. As soon as I learn that I’ll be changing schools, or as soon as my friend tells me she’s moving away – at that point my transition has begun. This means some transitions begin a long time before the change occurs. Sometimes a transition can actually begin AFTER a change, because I may not learn the change has happened until after the fact.
A period of transition continues until I am accustomed to and comfortable with my post-change life – when I have integrated those changes and my situation changes from “new” to “normal”.
As you might imagine, sometimes this can take a long, long time.
One of the problems many of us have with transition is we don’t accept how long the process can take. Adjusting to a new normal takes a lot of time, and in that period of transition life is a bit more difficult. Berating myself for not keeping up, pushing myself to “get over it”, or thinking there’s something wrong with me, only makes things harder.
Losing our automatics
One important unseen change that goes with any big change is that all the automatics are erased. In a new situation I don’t automatically know where to go, what to do, who to talk to, how to get things done. Everything I do requires deliberate thought and conscious effort.
Want to get dinner? Okay. How?
Want to cook? Okay. Where do you buy groceries in your new location? Are the same groceries available, or do you need to adapt? Do you have the language and currency required to buy groceries? Is the system of collecting and paying for groceries different to what you’re used to? Do you have the same cooking equipment available, or do you need to learn to use a different kitchen? After sorting all this out, do you still have the energy to cook??
Want to order in? Okay. Who delivers in your new location? Is it food you’re familiar with, or will you need some guidance to order effectively? Do they use a language (and dialect) you’re familiar with? Do they require the use of apps or online payment – and do you have access to these? If they require cash on delivery – do you have enough local currency?
Want to go out to eat? Okay. Do you know any places to eat? Are they walking distance? Will you be comfortable walking (weather/safety/health)? If not, do you have transport? Then when you’re there you have all the same questions – familiarity, language, payment.
This is why a period of transition can be so very tiring.
Not everything will be this complicated – but they can be. If you move to a place where things are done very differently to the way you’re used to, almost everything can be this hard. Life in these big transitional phases is exhausting!
It takes much more time and mental energy to get simple things done, because they aren’t simple any more – and it will take time to learn the new ways to do things, and for basic tasks to become familiar and, eventually, simple once more.
Something I often struggle with during a period of transition is learning my new calming strategies – what will help me find peace, relax, enjoy life. The things I can do in Sydney, for example, are very different to the things I can do in Beijing. Many of the old options simply aren’t available to me any more – I have to find new ones. More than that, I have to create new ones. This is can be difficult and tiring and, more importantly, time consuming. I might try something, realise it doesn’t work, and have to start again trying something new.
So what do we do?
Next week I’ll share my Six Tips for a Good Transition. The sneak peek, however, is simply to be kind to yourself. Work to adapt to change, but be patient with the process. Acknowledge that transition is hard, and takes time, and be okay with not being at your best for a while – and probably for longer than you’d like!
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I offer a workshop on Coping With Change, which includes a deeper dive into this content. A public session is coming up in December, and private bookings can be made any time. I also offer a student session for teens (middle and high school students).
A version of this post first appeared on misunderstood-book.com
