Funerals and the Globally Mobile, Part 1
My uncle passed away last month. He suffered a brain injury a few years ago that affected his short term/functional memory, which left him in need of assistance to complete steps in a task. While it hadn’t been easy for him or for my aunt, his death was still unexpected and a shock. I was able to travel (7 hours driving in a day) for the small family funeral and wake. Some of his favourite music was played, one of his favourite poems was recited, we poured over old photos of him through his life, and scoured the books lining the walls of his library looking for those we’d read before.
I was very glad to be there, to support my aunt and to remember my uncle well, in all his aspects - to share him with others who knew him well.
A week or so later I realised this was the first family funeral I had attended in 15 years. In my case, this speaks largely to good fortune: in the 15 years I spent living outside Australia, only three of my relatives passed away. But being far from family when death occurs is a common struggle among the globally mobile.
Back in 2013 I was invited to speak to a group of high school students at an international boarding school on the subject of death. For one week, their health teacher had allowed all her classes to choose between several optional units, including first aid, bullying/violence, and basic psychology. This class, with students from China, South Korea, Thailand, and Eastern Europe, chose a unit on death and grief, and I was invited in as a guest speaker.
I am in no way an expert on death, but I have a lot of experience walking with Third Culture Kids through grief experiences. Loss is a constant and ongoing part of international life.
We went over the Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. We talked about what these stages might look like, and some words/phrases/attitudes often linked with each stage. We talked about how grief is different when we are far away from the people we are grieving. We talked about the many other losses we grieve, especially those connected with international living – moving away, friends moving away from us, physical or emotional distance between us and our relatives, etc.
I shared several personal stories with them. I talked about the deaths of my two paternal grandparents, and the big differences in these grief experiences. When my Grandma died I was still living in Australia, and I spent several days in her hometown with my family for the funeral. When my Grandpa died I was living alone in China, and didn’t go home for the funeral. My grandparents were wonderful people, lived very full lives, and were well-loved. While I was obviously sad to lose them, to no longer have them as part of my life, to lose the opportunity to know them better as an adult, neither loss was particularly traumatic. The importance of telling the stories was, rather, the difference in the grief experience and grieving process in each case. This was something that resonated strongly with the students, most of whom were living far away from their families.
The students also shared their own stories. Some were scholarship students from other countries, living alone far away from families they hadn’t visited in years. Some talked about the deaths of dearly loved grandparents they hadn’t been able to properly grieve - didn’t know how to properly grieve - due to the distance separating them. Others talked about deaths that hit closer to home - friends, nearer relatives, even people who shadowed their lives after memories had faded. Many talked about the difficulty of having no one to share these experiences with, having no outlet for their emotions and memories. It was a poignant conversation and a powerful experience.
More than anything, it instilled in me the difference that presence makes during times of grief, and especially when losing loved ones to death.
In my next post I’m going to share some suggestions for how to help the globally mobile grieve alongside those physically present during funerals, memorials, and other occasions for honouring and remembering the dead.
