Growing up in the In-Between

To truly understand the what it is to be a Third Culture Kid, and why TCKs who share no countries in common still have a deep affinity for one another, it is vital to understand the importance of the in-between.

62% of TCKs born before 1985 say that feeling “in between” was a significant childhood experience. They are caught between places, people, cultures, and experiences. So often they are not quite present, not quite accepted, not quite at home. There is too much to say on the topic to cover it adequately in a single blog post, so today I’ll limit myself to exploring the ways in which TCKs live in between countries.

On the surface this might seem simple. A TCK is a citizen of one country, but lives in another. (Or is a citizen of multiple countries, or has lived in multiple other countries.) The complexity comes in how the TCK feels about and relates to these countries – never being completely and comprehensively in any one of them.

Passport country connections

A TCK has a relationship with their passport country – they have a legal connection to the place which issues their passport. Their citizenship comes with legal rights and responsibilities. For some TCKs, those responsibilities include military service - even if they’ve never lived there.

Often a passport country is also a place where many family members and family friends live permanently. For many expat families the passport country is a ‘home base,’ somewhere they frequently visit. Some TCKs are expected to attend university in their passport country. Some families expect that their TCK children will eventually ‘settle down’ in their passport country.

Many TCKs feel they ‘represent’ their passport country while abroad – that people meeting TCKs overseas get an impression of their passport countries through them. They may be the only person ‘from’ that country people they interact with have ever met. They may be required to dress up or otherwise represent this country for school functions.

Host country connections

Many TCKs feel that they also ‘represent’ their host countries while travelling. Sometimes people see them as the ‘expert’ on that country (and language/culture) regardless of how immersed the TCK was – or wasn’t! In this situation a TCK may feel pressure to live up to these expectations. Other times people ignore or don’t recognise the TCK’s connection to the host country/culture. In this case, TCKs may feel pressure to promote the places they feel connected to.

And yet, while living in their host country, many TCKs are regularly reminded that they don’t completely belong. Sometimes this is overt, with locals literally calling them foreigner - whether this is good-natured or aggressive. Sometimes it is a wistful feeling for a TCK who wishes they could belong in the place that feels like their home, even though they don’t have the extended family roots, or the language skills, or the ethnicity, or the legal rights, that they would need in order to have the full belonging they desire.

In between countries

The reality is that most TCKs do not identify entirely with one country – they are influenced by, and attached to, multiple countries at once. Their passport country may be where they are ‘from’ and yet they may have spent far more time living outside it than living in it. 58% of the 744 TCKs I surveyed for Misunderstood spent more than half their childhood years outside their passport countries; 30% spent less than three years there.

While TCKs may know they are ‘foreigners’ in their host countries, they may feel even more ‘foreign’ when visiting their passport countries. In both scenarios the TCK is not quite 100% ‘from’ the country in question. In both places the TCK is often in a position of cultural ambassador for the other place.

Individual experiences

Every TCK is different – they have unique life journeys. Not all TCKs feel they are (or are expected to be) ambassadors of the countries to which they are connected. But the common experience of the Third Culture is that a TCK is connected to multiple places; in every TCK there is an aspect of being in between these countries. These connections make the TCK experience of the world different to that of a person who spent their entire childhood connected to a single country.

Acceptance of the “in between” experience

There is nothing wrong with being a TCK; in fact, only 2% of the TCKs I surveyed said they would take back their international experience if they could. Connection to multiple places isn’t ‘bad’ – but it is different. This means that there is an unspoken bond between TCKs: they understand, with no explanation needed, what it means to live in between countries.

To build deeper friendships with TCKs, accept that a TCK has these additional country connections, even if you don’t fully understand how it works. No matter who you are, there is comfort in being with people who simply believe you, accept you, and desire to better understand you.

**

An earlier version of this post appeared on misunderstood-book.com