How the internet helps, but doesn’t fix, friendships separated by geography
In a previous post I explained a belief buried in the hearts of many Third Culture Kids: that everyone leaves. This is something most TCKs ‘learn’ through their experiences growing up internationally. I chose to leave space at the end of the piece to reflect on how this affects TCKs, rather than jump straight to solutions. When we skip straight to ‘it’ll be okay’ we don’t stop to sit with TCKs in their sadness and grief. We miss the opportunity to act as witnesses, to listen, to say that their feelings about this are valid. It’s hard to listen to pain, so we don’t often take enough time to wait in that place. I wanted to create space, to honour the sadness, even in blog posts.
Today I am continuing that pause by addressing a common repsonse to the sadness of “everyone leaves.”
What about the internet?
Parents and even older TCKs regularly tell me that with the internet and social media, TCKs these days can stay in touch with their friends after a move. It’s not the same, but surely it makes things easier. A lot of TCKs I interviewed for Misunderstood had heard this, too. There’s a few problems with this idea, and I want to break them down.
The internet doesn’t erase loss
The ability to stay in touch after a move doesn’t take away the sadness of losing that person from daily life. And there’s no guarantee, even with the internet, that two people will actually stay in touch. So while reminding someone they can stay in touch through the internet is well meant, these comments usually aren’t comforting. It often makes TCKs feel that they aren’t supposed to grieve, or that they shouldn’t show their sadness. When a child says goodbye to a friend, they don’t yet know what that friendship will look like on the other side of the move — whether it will continue or not, whether they will ever see their friend in person again or not. Sometimes there will be reunions, but not always. It is so important for TCKs to be able to grieve friendships that change or are lost. Their feelings of sadness are real and valid and need to be expressed – and are worth listening to.
“‘Graduation’ was a word that most people in my grade did not want to say, because ‘graduation’ meant ‘goodbye’. I used to say this a lot to my parents but they just kept telling me that “back in my day we only had snail mail and you guys get email and Facebook and so many other opportunities to stay in touch.” I gave up trying to make my point – it’s not the same. If home is where the heart is then after we all graduate my home will be in Korea and America and other places I’ve never been to, because that’s where my friends will be.”
— Katherine, 18Misunderstood, pages 194-195
It’s not the same
Friendship online is different to friendship in person, for many reasons. Also, not everyone is good at online connection. It relies on a different set of interpersonal skills, and sometimes a friendship that is amazing in person doesn’t translate that well to long-distance. Lots of TCKs hold onto the hope that staying in touch online means they’re not really saying goodbye. This only delays the grief process, and that doesn’t end well. I’ve heard so many stories of TCKs struggling with delayed grief, because they thought staying in touch online would prevent the problem.
One mother told me she learned to expect the sadness to hit her son a year after being left behind. A teenage boy spoke to me of being deeply hurt by a friend not investing as much as he had in maintainging their friendship online. A young adult woman found she was offending friends; she learned to tell herself this wasn’t really goodbye, so she didn’t have to be emotional about it. When a person leaves, the friendship as it has been ends. A new friendship can be negotiated thanks to the wonders of the internet, but it will be a NEW friendship. There is still sadness is losing what was, even when there is a continuation of connection.
“I had to say goodbye to a close friend knowing I would not see her for at least five years. I missed her so much. Immediately after she left, I could not make new friends. I think I was still sore from the goodbye. I still talk to her online but it really isn’t the same. I do believe I will see her again, although I know the relationship will never be the same. A lot can happen in five years, and people change.”
— Joy, 16Misunderstood, page 143
The cumulative effect
The other factor to keep in mind is that TCKs say goodbye over and over - this is a big part of the “everyone leaves” mantra. We’re not talking about one or two friends moving away — we’re talking about one or two a year. Or more. No matter how much time and energy you invest in online relationships, there will always be people you don’t keep up with. There’s just no way to stay in touch with that many people, especially if you’re also working hard to build new connections in person.
While having the ability to stay in touch via the internet is amazing, and so good for TCKs, it also adds complications. The more time I spend investing in friends online, the less time I can spend investing in people nearby. And while it’s so valuable to stay in touch with friends who used to live nearby, it’s also important to continue building new relationships. The friends I stay in touch with from previous locations know certain parts of me, have shared certain parts of my life. But if I don’t invest in new relationships, I won’t have friends who knew THIS part of my life.
“People who haven’t moved as much or as far do not understand that it is usual for TCKs to have more than one best friend. They are my best friend in this circumstance and this location.”
— Callie, 17Misunderstood, page 16
Who is in control?
Remember that we’re talking about children. They don’t have full control over their lives and ability to connect. Younger children especially can’t just stay in touch, because the ability to do so is filtered through their parents, and their friends’ parents. TCKs are heavily dependent on their parents to support the maintenance of friendships with people in other places. And even with parental support, it’s not always that simple.
Time differences can make it really hard to coordinate schedules. A TCK, or the friend they want to stay in touch with, might be living in an area without reliable internet access. Plus, I have heard many internet-age TCKs tell stories in which a friend moved away with little or no warning, and was never heard from again — especially if they were in primary school at the time. These stories stay with TCKs years (even decades) later. Staying in touch via the internet is great in theory, but it doesn’t always happen in practice — and TCKs often don’t have much control over that.
“Friendships maintained online helped and still help me a great deal. They served as a way to reminisce and share in the processes and challenges of life with other TCKs. My parents have been very gracious with making opportunities for me to visit friends – this includes driving long(ish) distances, being willing to host friends, and encouraging me to keep in contact. They make a point to ask about the lives of my friends who live far away who I talk to. I would encourage TCKs to be consistent and keep in contact with their friends online and through texting. But don’t let those relationships be the only ones, because they can take away from building relationships in person.”
— Becca, 19Misunderstood, page 82
The internet: worth it, but not without complications
A Third Culture childhood is a good thing overall, for most kids in most situations, but it is not without difficulties and complications. Erasing mention of hard things doesn’t erase the difficulties kids face. The internet is a tool, and a good thing overall, for most kids in most situations. But it doesn’t solve the problem of how frequent goodbyes through childhood affect a person. It adds different opportunities, and also complications. It changes what a goodbye looks like. But it doesn’t erase the underlying lesson, that “everyone leaves”.
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An earlier version of this post first appeared on misunderstood-book.com
